FUNHOUSE ETIQUETTE & CONSENT

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Below are some tips for how to behave respectfully when seeing a sex worker (or any sexual partner for that matter). Most of our wonderful regular patrons have this stuff under control, but new clients may not be sure of the appropriate etiquette.

This is a ‘no holds barred’ Madam Mary guide on how to be a well-liked client. Ask any sex worker who their favourite clients are, and they will invariably tell you it is the ones who have good hygiene, asking nicely for what they want, and respect her boundaries. Clients’ experiences at Funhouse are so wonderful because it is a totally safe space for the women working here. You can help us keep it that way by following these tips, and get the most out of your booking.

Most of our clients are truly awesome, and we love hosting them and catering to their desires. But sometimes new clients come along who may not have engaged with a sex worker before, or who have gotten away with things when seeing other sex workers that they shouldn’t have.

To make everyone’s time as enjoyable as possible I have compiled a list of things to think about when visiting a sex worker.

ETIQUETTE & CONSENT HANDBOOK

Not all of our ladies provide all services so make sure you have checked that the lady you are seeing is comfortable providing the service you are after.

HYGIENE:

  • At the start of a booking, happily hop in the shower and wash EVERYWHERE – including your butthole and bollocks. If you want a lady to be down in that general area, it should be spotlessly clean. Water alone is not enough, use the body wash provided and be thorough. Uncircumcised? Pull that skin back and give your fella a good clean.
  • If you wish to put your fingers around or in a lady’s delicate vagina, make sure your nails are clean and short, with no hangnails. Fingering is fine when done gently and not throughout an entire session. Persistent or rough fingerbanging is a sure-fire way to ensure a lady won’t want to see you again. Vaginas are not made for extreme pummelling! Please listen when a lady says ‘gently’ or is grimacing, and adjust your technique. Check in with her – she may be putting on a brave face!
  • Please refrain from having a cigarette or coffee immediately prior to your booking, especially if you wish to kiss the lady. Use the mouthwash provided; flossing and brushing before a booking can also help. If a lady is pulling away, it could be that you are a terrible kisser, she can’t breathe because you are covering her mouth and nose with your mouth, you have questionable breath, or you are on a search mission for her tonsils. Kissing is wonderful but too much tongue can be suffocating. If you are unsure of your kissing technique then ask the lady how she likes to kiss. You will be amazed at what you will learn.

CONSENT:

  • Consent is not a new concept but some people certainly need practice at it. The simple rule is: ask before you do something, and if the lady says no, accept it and do not ask again. Be open and honest about what you are looking for and do not sulk or persist if you are declined. If you want the lady to do something, simply ask, do not try to manoeuvre her body into a position. If you want something specific, let Mary know in advance to avoid disappointment once in the booking. If you continually try to do something that the lady doesn’t like, you will be known as a boundary-pusher – the worst kind of client – and if you don’t change your behaviour you will end up being banned.
  • There is no full service in the massage rooms – do not ask your massage provider to have sex with you in a massage booking. If you wish to switch from the massage room to a bedroom, ask if she is okay with that and we will try to accommodate you. If you want to get an extra in a massage, ASK before you do it. The same goes in the bedroom: do not go anywhere near a lady’s butt without asking first. If you want to stick your finger or tongue up someone’s butthole, this needs to be discussed in advance. Do not try to throat fuck or choke anybody, especially with no warning. It is hugely disrespectful. Tell us in advance what you are after and we may be able to accommodate – if it is safe.
  • Not all of our ladies provide all services so make sure you have checked that the lady you are seeing is comfortable providing the service you are after. Do not assume that because you have done a particular act with someone else that everyone is up for it.
  • Never try and coerce a lady to suck you or f**k you without a condom – even in a Porn Star booking. It is a fast track to having a second arsehole ripped by Madam Mary and never being welcome back to Funhouse EVER again. It is also illegal under New Zealand law.
  • Taking off a condom during a sexual act: oooooooh you will regret it. It is called ‘stealthing’ and is a crime in New Zealand, whether you’re with a sex worker or a private partner. A Wellington man has recently been convicted of rape for doing this to a sex worker, and has been sentenced to 3.5 years in prison. Just don’t do it! The responsibility for safe sexual practices is shared between the sex worker and YOU. If you feel a condom slipping off during sex, stop, check, and let her know. If you’d like to read more on Stealthing… Click here!

OTHER ETIQUETTE:

  • In a massage booking, extras such as kissing, fingering and oral sex are provided as extras, and usually happen towards the end of the massage. Paying for an extra does not mean you can expect to do it throughout the entire booking. Relax and let the lady give you a wonderful sensual massage first. If you want a session where you can spend more time doing such things, best book a session in a bedroom.
  • If you are a virgin (yes an ACTUAL virgin – we were all in this position once), please let Mary know first so she can find the right lady for you. Not all sex workers are comfortable with your very important first time. Clients who just rock up and then tell the lady they are a virgin may not have the most incredible time.
  • If something happens during a booking that the sex worker didn’t like, Madam Mary might contact the client afterwards, or the next time he tries try to book she will mention it, and in some cases the lady has decided not to see him again. If Mary tells you anything like this, please don’t be the person who says ‘but she should have told me in the session last time’. It is not the job of the Funhouse lady to tell you off during a booking when she is trying to be the ultimate woman for you. Unless you are doing something scary or dangerous, the lady will continue to make the booking an awesome experience, get you off and let you leave. It is then Madam’s job to tell you what has gone wrong and try to educate you so it won’t happen again. Some of you learn from this and some of you end up just getting banned! We appreciate the ones who learn. If you do see the lady again, do not mention the issue or apologise to her – it puts her in an awkward position to have to discuss such things when she is trying to provide a great experience.
  • Do not ask or harass the lady to see you privately, outside the safety and comfort of Funhouse. You may have succeeded at this elsewhere, but at Funhouse we work as a team, and if you keep pushing a lady to see you outside of work she will end up refusing to see you again, no matter how strong you think your connection is. Our ladies are very good at what they do and can provide such an amazing experience that clients might fantasise about seeing them in the ‘real world’. But the work/life boundary is extremely important for sex workers, and clients need to respect that the woman’s private life is separate. If you bump into a sex worker out in public, do not say hello or try to talk to her. Our favourite clients know what the deal is: the lady may be incredible and blow your mind during a booking, but she is doing her job. Let her show you an amazing time while she’s at work and leave her private life alone.
  • I hope you will learn something from this guide. All this advice should really apply in sexual or intimate situations with any partner, whether you’re paying them or not. Again, most of our clients are already so good at all these things. If you are one of them: we love you, you rock our world and make what we do all the more pleasant and gratifying.

 

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